I’m not quite sure, but I might be at the bottom of Mt. Everest.

Right when I thought that a pretty nasty concussion was the worst of my problems, I get a voice-mail from my doctor (OBGYN) that simply says, “I’d like to discuss the results of your pap-smear with you, please call me back as soon as possible.”

This is me: paranoid, hypochondriac, overzealous-hand-sanitizing-germaphobe-WebMDaholic, with the certain fear that every stomach ache or stuffy nose is caused by some underlying condition that might kill me. In my defense, I pay very close attention to my body and I think I actually am pretty healthy.

After listening to that voice-mail I felt my stomach drop. Pap smears really only check for one thing: Cancer. Or signs of it.

After talking to my doctor I learned that I have Cervical Dysplasia, which is basically abnormal cell-growth. Abnormal cell-growth is how cancer starts. But, my doctor tried to assure me that many cases of Dysplasia clear on their own, without treatment being necessary.

Sorry Doc, that is still not very reassuring to a paranoid, hypochondriac, overzealous-hand-sanitizing-germaphobe-WebMDaholic, with a constant fear of dying. So my mind goes two different ways on this: Most cases of CD are caused by the HPV virus, which many women come into contact with in their life and never even know it. However me being the paranoid freak that I am, I have always taken EVERY precaution to everything ever (except getting the vaccine, because I’m also paranoid about new drugs and lack of study and so on and so forth. Go figure.), so I’m sitting here wondering how the heck could I of all people contract HPV (If that is even what caused it). The second place my mind goes is towards the big C. I’m 22; aka young and vibrant and full of life. I like to think I’m pretty healthy, I try to exercise and eat my vegetables but I know I’m not perfect.  So, how the heck could I of all people possibly get cancer? Then again, being a paranoid freak I am also aware of how impossible it is NOT to get cancer in today’s society.

Yet it could be nothing.

I’m still scared. Here I am writing this after midnight on a Monday morning because I can’t sleep. I’ve been afraid of things before, sure, like zombie attacks while I run from my car to the front door of my house or an ominous figure if I happen to glance out of my window at night time. Fear has taken on new meaning now. My head spins every night with questions and anxiety because I was required to wait a whole month from that phone call in order to have a more in-depth examination done. Honestly, I’m MORE than scared. I’m terrified. What if? What if it’s more advanced than expected? What if it doesn’t clear up on its own after those first two years of observation? You mean I have to wait two years to find out if I’m actually okay? What does this mean for me, just starting my life? Just out of college, first apartment, first real job, and honestly hoping to marry the man I only started dating five months ago because it’s the most real thing I’ve ever felt. All I can think is, “This shouldn’t be happening. Not now, not me, not this.” While the doctor says it could be nothing, it still feels like the worst of somethings. Here I am with metaphorical Mt. Everest maybe, kind of, in front of me, and no clue whatsoever if this is just the beginning of something bigger than any mountain.

Fear is a six-letter word: Cancer. If that word happens to pass by my doctor’s lips, I might lose it.

Why don’t we trust our instincts?

Instinct has a few different definitions that inherently delegate it as an impulse, behavior, or tendency that is mediated by the subconscious.

Every time we have a decision to make, our instinct tells us one thing, while our head and heart may be telling us something completely different. Sometimes it seems that our instinct comes from our head or heart.

Which one we follow, though, has everything to do with desire. Sometimes this desire is driven by other people, whether to prove someone wrong or prove someone right, and not always from within us.

Our desires sometimes parallel and other times conflict our instinct, and fear is always present.

This is where instinct becomes most present: In our fight-or-flight response. The fight or flight response occurs in an animal’s body in response to threat or stress, where the sympathetic nervous system primes the body for self-preservation. While all of these physical manifestations of fight-or-flight do not present themselves during our daily decisions, the psychological response to our fear is always the same: Do I run from my fears, or do I face them? Or, in many cases, do I live in spite of them?

We fear the possibility that whichever path we follow may lead to an unsatisfying or even troubling end. Our instinct will often tell us to take the safe path, the one that is less likely to leave us hurt or unstable, while our head may try to rationalize our fears and our hearts may drive us to make the most passionate decision.

At some point in my recent past, my instinct told me that someone I was involved with was only going to hurt me. My head tried to rationalize my fears, while I told myself to have faith and not expect the worst. My heart told me that I really wanted this person in my life. I allowed my head and heart to override my instinct and just hope for the best.

I should’ve listened to my instinct. This is the outcome that I feared, the outcome that I always fear. It is this same fear that I’ve had to deal with in every relationship I’ve tried to build. Even when my instinct tells me that something isn’t right, I try to give it a chance anyway because I refuse to live in fear. My head and heart are always more powerful, and lately I’ve begun to question if this is a bad thing.

Should I walk away every time I’m afraid? Does my underlying fear somehow lead others to walk away from me? I try my best not to show it. I try my best to always take chances. I refuse to let my fear decide my fate.

So when is it good to ignore your fears? I suppose it is healthy to ignore your fears when you know that no possible outcome could be detrimental to your own well-being. This could include trying a new job, a new experience, a new activity. I really don’t want to get into the logistics of the underlying risks of these.

All that I really know for sure is that trying something new and having it not quite meet my expectations will never hurt as much as when I ignore my instincts about people. I keep telling myself: Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Don’t be afraid. Take Chances. Open your heart.

The truth is, people are all so individually different that you can tell yourself all of these things over and over again, and on top of your instincts, never quite figure out the appropriate formula for whether or not you should let somebody into your heart.

So why don’t we trust our instincts? We don’t always listen to them because the things that our heads and hearts tell us are so much more satisfying. Love? We want it. Happiness? We want it. Instincts usually don’t lead us to take risks in those departments, and sometimes risk reaps the largest reward.

At what point does self-preservation kick in?

Assume the best, and doubt the worst.

great·ness

But what is greatness, really? How do you define it? Who embodies it? How does one know when they’ve achieved greatness?

Greatness is what inspires you. It is something that, when you see it, you feel some sense of awe or aspiration. Greatness is something that we see is inherently good in all ways. Greatness is something that once recognized, is never forgotten.

Think of a time when you believe you’ve witnessed greatness…

The joint efforts I witnessed of people affected by Hurricane Sandy and the support of an entire nation.

When my dad received his liver transplant, and I experienced what a large network of people worked tirelessly for him to have a second chance.

Watching a great friend of mine take on huge strides in community service with a national organization, while also teaching inner city kids in an after school program (and maintaining straight A’s through college).

One nurse in my dad’s home that makes sure he always has the Phillies game on.

The woman I know who stopped her car to care for a possum that someone else had run over.

Every human wall ever built.

These moments are big and small, and this list could go on forever with the more I think about it. I have seen so many wonderful things in my short lifetime that all have one thing in common: Greatness.

So how do these people and places and times embody greatness?

Each of these moments have given me faith in humanity, faith in my generation, an overall awakening to how truly good people can be to each other and for each other. The connectivity that greatness inspires can multiply as long as the people who see it are willing to foster it, sustain it, and let it prosper.

And when you are surrounded by greatness, it becomes contagious.

When you witness greatness all around you in your daily interactions, I believe that it is impossible to not also aspire to be great. That awe and inspiration that you felt remembering any of the moments; if you could feel that 24/7, would you? I believe that feeling is what makes greatness grow, and what inspires people to strive for greatness.

So to my final question: How does one know when they’ve achieved greatness?

Do they ever know? Is there some standard, bar, or cap for greatness that a person attempts to attain in their quest for greatness?

I don’t think I ever want to know. If there was a time when a person already knew that they met the standard for greatness, then the standards have already changed. If a person has made their mark, inspired others, made great achievements for the overall good of others, there is no finish line. Greatness is not achieved like an award, it is met and sustained consistently by people willing to foster and sustain it, and let it prosper. Nothing that ever prospered stopped to think, “Am I done prospering yet?”

And no person who truly embodied greatness stopped what they were doing to ponder, “Have I achieved greatness yet?”

When you see greatness, harness that feeling and nurture it within yourself. Feed it with your own positivity and ambitions and never let it die. Then you, too, will achieve greatness.

Be the change that you wish to see in the world.
~Ghandi