TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses ideas that may be triggering to those with depression and those who have survived suicide attempts/suicide loss.

Holding on, why is everything so heavy?
Holding on, so much more than I can carry.

I keep singing these words over and over, as I try to process the loss of the man whose voice brought them to life. One line, in particular, hits hard:

If I just let go, I’ll be set free.

For the most part, people who die by suicide don’t actually want to die, but just want to be free.

Chances are, that at some point in your life, someone you know will take their own life.

Chances are even better that someone in your life is fighting it every second of every day.

Fighting every second of every day is exhausting.

Mental illnesses, like depression, are a disease of the mind. However, it’s a disease of the mind that creeps into every fiber of your being. The term “mental illness” often leads people to believe that it can be changed, since it’s your thought processes that are affected. It’s not cancer, after all, right? Mental illness is not cancer. It does, however, eat you alive if it’s not discovered and treated. Like cancer, not every treatment works, and not all cases are treatable.

Mental illness comes in many forms, but I specifically want to talk about depression. Depression can exist alone, with other illnesses, or can be the result of another physical or mental illness. It’s not just “feeling sad” or being upset about something. Depression is what happens when your body and brain do not produce enough of certain chemicals that help your body and mind perform at their best. Sure, feeling sad is certainly part of it, but depression is so much more than sadness.

Depression can make your whole body ache so badly that even getting out of bed feels impossible. Maybe it doesn’t make you ache, but it will certainly tell you that getting out of bed will bring nothing but misery to your life. Then depression will tell you that you’re a lazy piece of shit because you didn’t get out of bed.

Depression will tell you that nobody really likes you. Absurd, I know, but depression is pretty darn convincing. Depression tells you that you’re a burden to everyone you love, and that they’d all be better off without you. My depression told me that I really brought nothing good into anyone’s lives, and I really just made everything more difficult for them. My depression told me that I was a disappointment to everybody. My depression told me that my friends actually hated me. My depression told me that my father didn’t want to stay alive because I didn’t actually matter to him. My depression told me that my mother already worries enough as it is, and I shouldn’t add to it.

See, depression isn’t just “feeling sad”. Depression is your own body completely betraying you, and instead of fighting to live, depression tells you to give up. Every. Single. Day.

Eventually, if depression goes unchecked, you start to believe it. You will really truly feel, that if you were no longer alive, the world would be a better place. It’s not a matter of “staying positive”, or staying busy, or continuously giving yourself more reasons to stay alive. You can throw yourself into your work, and your passions, and into roles where others depend on you, but depression will still tell you that all of those things would be better without you.

Like I said, fighting with depression, and arguing against it, becomes harder every day. It’s exhausting.

So when we experience the loss of someone to suicide, whether it’s a loved one or a celebrity, it’s important to remember that they didn’t simply give up. They fought long and hard, and unfortunately, depression won.

It’s also important to remember that depression doesn’t always win. There are many ways to give yourself a better chance in the fight against it. There are traditional therapies, medications, and a plethora of alternatives to both that have been proven to give people strength in the uphill battle that is living with depression. Not every treatment works for everybody, and some may have a harder time finding something that works than others do. Often, it feels like a losing battle. Like with any illness, finding something that works is a complicated process. Some treatments may yield the opposite of the desired result. Some may work for a time, and then suddenly stop. It’s easy to want to give up.

I recently asked my doctor, “Does anyone ever go off antidepressants, eventually?” I was in a particularly bad state, and had made an appointment with my doctor to adjust my meds because the remedy that had worked for the last year and a half suddenly stopped. Even with successful treatment, I still had bad days, but when those bad days turned into bad months, I knew something was up. It’s important to be aware of what depression is telling you, so that you can give that beast a name and find a new weapon against it. At first, when my mind started spiraling, I thought that those thoughts I was having were really my own, but I eventually realized that my depression was taking hold of me again.

My doctor thought for a second, and responded, “It really depends. Usually if someone experiences depression later in their life, or maybe as a  result of something else, they might eventually go off meds. It really depends on how long it’s been going on and how severe it is.” I felt tears come to my eyes as I thought about the depression and anxiety that have simultaneously tried to drown me for as long as I can remember, even to childhood. Only recently did I have a name for those beasts, and so far I’m still fighting them.

But, a lifetime is a long time, and many people that live with depression have dealt with it for most of their lives. It can feel hopeless to know that the beast can rear its ugly head at any moment, despite how long it’s stayed dormant. Battling it every day is exhausting, but so is watching over your shoulder for its unannounced return at any moment.

When we think of those we’ve lost to suicide, we need to remember that they fought. They fought that beast, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even though there are countless weapons to fight it, you never can be sure that it is gone. They may have come to a point where they’ve run out of weapons, or the beast came when they were especially vulnerable, or maybe they were just tired. They are not selfish, or cowardly, or weak. In fact, they’re the strongest people we could know.

In my own experience, when the beast comes for me, it’s really the people I love that give me the will to fight. If, eventually, I stop fighting, it won’t be because I was selfish. It won’t be because I was afraid of life, or because I didn’t think my loved ones were worth the battle. Likely, I’ll just be tired, and the beast will finally convince me that they’re all better without me. If that ever happens, I hope that my mother doesn’t think I was being selfish. I hope she knows that I fought long and hard, for her. I hope she knows that depression does not turn you into a coward, but will make you believe that you are the cause of everyone’s problems, and that you’re doing the best thing you can do for them by ending your own life.

I’m not there. I have been very proactive in my own treatment and I have actively and openly spoken with those around me about my struggle. Maybe they think I’m weak, or dramatic, or even over-sensitive. They haven’t fought the monsters that I have. I’m pretty damn proud of myself.

At the same time, when all of us fighting mental illness witness the take-down of one of our own, there are no words to describe the combination of heartache and ease that comes with knowing. We know that we all fight, and it’s sad to see someone lose that fight, but it is also relieving to know that they are free. I’m not sure what happens when we die, but at least the beast can’t come for us anymore.

People often use the phrase “in a better place” to comfort themselves, or others, in times of grieving. So, why is such taboo to consider that, for some, it’s necessary to get to that better place? That for some, this battle is not one that they should continue to fight, just for the comfort of others.

I’m not saying that every person living with mental illness will inevitably end their own life, because very few actually do. I’m just saying that we need to reconsider how we reflect on the actions of those that do.

Sometimes depression can find a crack in that wall that your treatment methods have built, so it is important to recognize those intrusive thoughts for what they are. If you have thoughts that pop into your head, uninvited, leaving a gut-wrenching residue in their wake, remind yourself that those thoughts are the depression speaking. They are not actually true. Thoughts like, “They’d be better without me”, “They secretly hate me”, “I can’t do anything right”, “Nothing I do matters”, remember that no reliable source is selling you this information. It’s normal to have a momentary meeting with these thoughts, but if they start coming around more often and not leaving when you ask them to, you may be experiencing depression. It’s important to let your doctors, trusted loved ones, and others that you feel comfortable with know, because they will be some of your best weapons against depression. You don’t have to fight alone, and you certainly don’t have to invite those unwelcome thoughts to stay for dinner. It’s hard, really hard, but you can label those thoughts “depression” and take what they say with a grain of salt, like the weird uncle that tells you about his latest conspiracy theory even though you’ve tried to avoid him completely. You can’t always talk back, but know that the intrusive ideas that depression throws at you have no merit.

Most importantly, stay open. You likely know someone fighting the same fight, silently. Stay open to your loved ones when depression creeps in. On especially bad days, make it a point to get out of the house no matter how badly you want to lay in bed and ruminate.

Of course, this is advice that I can give on my good days, but I know from experience how hard it is to follow on any given “bad” day.

If you or someone you know is thinking about harming themselves or others, call 1-800-273-8255, or text CONNECT to 741741. Both of these are free, confidential services that will connect you with someone who is trained to help. They may help by hearing you out, instructing you on how to deal with your thought processes, and/or letting you know what local resources are available to you. You can call even if you’re not suicidal, but need help with something else. If someone you know is in immediate danger of harming themselves, call your local police. If you are afraid that you are in immediate danger of hurting yourself, find someone you trust to take you to the closest crisis center.  I’ve personally utilized my own local crisis center, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. There is no shame, and I’m still here today.

You are valued and loved, no matter what depression tells you.