I’m not quite sure, but I might be at the bottom of Mt. Everest.

Right when I thought that a pretty nasty concussion was the worst of my problems, I get a voice-mail from my doctor (OBGYN) that simply says, “I’d like to discuss the results of your pap-smear with you, please call me back as soon as possible.”

This is me: paranoid, hypochondriac, overzealous-hand-sanitizing-germaphobe-WebMDaholic, with the certain fear that every stomach ache or stuffy nose is caused by some underlying condition that might kill me. In my defense, I pay very close attention to my body and I think I actually am pretty healthy.

After listening to that voice-mail I felt my stomach drop. Pap smears really only check for one thing: Cancer. Or signs of it.

After talking to my doctor I learned that I have Cervical Dysplasia, which is basically abnormal cell-growth. Abnormal cell-growth is how cancer starts. But, my doctor tried to assure me that many cases of Dysplasia clear on their own, without treatment being necessary.

Sorry Doc, that is still not very reassuring to a paranoid, hypochondriac, overzealous-hand-sanitizing-germaphobe-WebMDaholic, with a constant fear of dying. So my mind goes two different ways on this: Most cases of CD are caused by the HPV virus, which many women come into contact with in their life and never even know it. However me being the paranoid freak that I am, I have always taken EVERY precaution to everything ever (except getting the vaccine, because I’m also paranoid about new drugs and lack of study and so on and so forth. Go figure.), so I’m sitting here wondering how the heck could I of all people contract HPV (If that is even what caused it). The second place my mind goes is towards the big C. I’m 22; aka young and vibrant and full of life. I like to think I’m pretty healthy, I try to exercise and eat my vegetables but I know I’m not perfect.  So, how the heck could I of all people possibly get cancer? Then again, being a paranoid freak I am also aware of how impossible it is NOT to get cancer in today’s society.

Yet it could be nothing.

I’m still scared. Here I am writing this after midnight on a Monday morning because I can’t sleep. I’ve been afraid of things before, sure, like zombie attacks while I run from my car to the front door of my house or an ominous figure if I happen to glance out of my window at night time. Fear has taken on new meaning now. My head spins every night with questions and anxiety because I was required to wait a whole month from that phone call in order to have a more in-depth examination done. Honestly, I’m MORE than scared. I’m terrified. What if? What if it’s more advanced than expected? What if it doesn’t clear up on its own after those first two years of observation? You mean I have to wait two years to find out if I’m actually okay? What does this mean for me, just starting my life? Just out of college, first apartment, first real job, and honestly hoping to marry the man I only started dating five months ago because it’s the most real thing I’ve ever felt. All I can think is, “This shouldn’t be happening. Not now, not me, not this.” While the doctor says it could be nothing, it still feels like the worst of somethings. Here I am with metaphorical Mt. Everest maybe, kind of, in front of me, and no clue whatsoever if this is just the beginning of something bigger than any mountain.

Fear is a six-letter word: Cancer. If that word happens to pass by my doctor’s lips, I might lose it.